Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Asking for directions. I HATE it; I believe that most people (at least men) don’t want to stop to ask. Having to stop only admits the fact that you really have no idea where the hell you are. I can already see the scenario now… wife babbling in her annoyed voice “Tom stop, were lost, you don’t know where you’re going” and my response being “Honey I know where we are, I’ve driven this a million times” even though I have almost certainly never driven it at all (a white lie that is worth telling to keep my ego). Finally stopping for directions to figure out you are either A. one block away and have been circling the place unknowingly for the last hour or B. 50 miles in the wrong direction. But something else happened to me the other day. I got extremely lost, MapQuest had me in the wrong direction and I had been driving for 45 minutes in the middle of where No Where meets North Dakota. Once I finally gave up my ego and decided to stop in the little town I was passing through. I cruised down the road and decided to stop not at a gas station but rather a store figuring the directions I required would take longer than 5 minutes to explain and gas station cashiers aren’t exactly the people to take 5 minutes for you unless you have $40 on pump #4. So I cruised a little ways longer till I saw a miniature strip mall, I pulled in and glanced at the businesses. There was Chinese takeout, a hobby shop, and a carpet store. I placed bets on the carpet store and figured it wouldn’t be busy because who in their right mind would be shopping for carpet on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. I did the stereotyping, figuring there would be a rough looking older man with a beard who had a drawer of old maps, lived in the area for 50 years, and could point me in the right direction. After entering the stored I didn’t see the old man I was hoping for but his counterpart. Little old grey. She was no more than 5 foot 3 and staggered out of the back office with a hunch that made Quasimodo’s back look straighter than a 2×4. From the moment she emerged I could smell her, the odor was a mix of old perfume, Schwan’s frozen dinners, and the Wheel of Fortune (if it had a smell). After she squeaked a mellow hello I asked for directions and received the single response that you don’t want to hear when asking for directions…“I’m not very good at directions.” Shit, awesome, sweet, exactly what I want to hear. Now after what was like watching 36 rounds of golf on TV trying to explain where in the hell I was I think she I’ve made her more confused than me. Nonetheless I thanked her for the useless information and proceeded to leave. Just as my hand touched the door handle like a switch her light bulb must have finally clicked and she abruptly stopped me remembering she did in fact have a map. Whew, Alzheimer’s is a hoax. After looking at the map if finally became clear where I was. I looked up and the little grandma was gone, I waited for a minute and started to become a little nervous, she could have fallen, suffocated on her stench, or got lost in the towers of rolled carpet. I felt uneasy and just as I was about to say screw it and make a run for my car she popped out from behind a roll with a plate of cookies and full glass of milk. What the hell, am I in a movie or is this shit really happening? She was giddy with excitement to feed me full of warm cookies and thick whole milk. Now I normally wouldn’t take food from strangers but I figured what the hell, if I die from being poisoned by a little old lady, so be it, god would have made quite the practical joke of me. As I ate, she talked, and talked some more, I could sense her loneliness that she wanted to talk to someone, about anything besides carpet, so I listened. When I told her I was full and needed to get back on the road she of course did the typical grandma move and tried to make me have “just one more.” I of course refused but had already been countered in my refusal by grabbing a plastic baggie out from a drawer and stuffing it full of the remaining cookies. Damn grandma was good. I thanked her tremendously and walked out the door. She told me that anytime I pass through town again that I must stop in to catch up. I actually think I might. I could cheer up a dusted soul, and find out what’s the latest vacuum cleaner from Oreck or how to remove coffee stains. Perhaps getting a little lost wasn’t such a tragedy, I lost a little part of my ego but in exchange I gained a new friend, and learned a little more about myself. Thanks gram’s